I already feel guilty. Just that I am going to write this post makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty because I am blogging during the precious hour of free time I have between Lydia going to sleep and my bedtime. I should be addressing the laundry that is currently so backed up, I am storing it in the jacuzzi bathtub. I feel guilty because I really don't have a reason to vent. I have been very blessed. Shane has a good job, we live in a nice house, we are all healthy. It is Christmastime. I should be happy. I am happy. However, I am also on the verge of pulling my hair out.
A funny thing about exhaustion is that you never get used to it. Each day is just as agonizing as the last. Collin is still waking up 3 times at night. He seems to be having night terrors. And he gets up for the day at 5. 5 AM! Even if I get to bed at 9, my longest stretch of sleep is two hours or so. What's worse are his naps. Usually it's three 30 minute naps. I can't get ANYTHING done!!! (I'm not joking when I say he has woken up three times since I started writing this post.)
Before I continue I know right now what you are thinking. If she is so tired and can't get anything done, how can she blog. Well, I'll tell you. First of all, I never blog until after the kids are sleeping. There isn't time. For me Friday night is "detox" night. Shane and I quickly clean up the house right after the kids are down for the night. Then he puts in a DVD and I sit at the kitchen table and blog for a few hours. It is the one part of my week that is just mine. I can stay up late because Shane takes the kids Saturday mornings while I sleep in. That Friday night I can usually get two weeks of blogs written and I postdate them. Of course, nights like tonight, I just blog instead of doing the dishes. That works too..... But I digress.
I have been seriously sleep deprived for 6 months now. Sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of losing it. Shane's hellish work schedule doesn't help matters. I can't keep up with the housework, the cooking, my church responsibilities, the individual time Lydia craves. I am constantly covered in snot, spit up, breast-milk, baby oatmeal, and occasionally poop. It is all I can do some days to just get out of my pajamas into real clothes. I look around at the disaster that is my house and I want to cry. Sometimes I do. I could stay up late to clean, but by the time the kids are finally asleep I have been on my feet for 15 hours.
Judge me if you will, but I understand why some stay at home moms hire help. "Oh, if only we were rich instead of beautiful" (as quoted from my mother-in-law). I would hire a house cleaner so fast it would make your head spin. The burden that would lift if I didn't have to try to stay on top of the messes. I would also pick myself up a part time nanny. Just half a day twice a week or so. A substitute for no grandmas or sisters being in town. I could run errands, take a shower that included washing my hair and shaving my legs. Maybe I could actually get to the gym or have a lunch with friends. I would also have the nanny come over Saturday nights and Shane and I could have a date. Such a lovely place to visit, my fantasy world.
So I admit it. I am close to losing it. It is 9:38 pm and I would love to go to bed but Collin is still awake. He must be getting sick. Shane is working. My house looks like it was recently burglarized. The bags under my eyes are more like luggage.
I guess I should look at the bright side. I have my blog posts ready to go for the next few days. The Christmas tree is up and it's speculator. There is some eggnog in the fridge. I had a few minutes tonight to vent to you. And to update my blog layout. I think it turned out quite lovely if I do say so myself.
Anyone else feel like they are failing so miserably they should be fired from motherhood?
Posts
So it's midnight, and I totally should be asleep, but I am too much in the groove of wrapping gifts to stop now. I had such a great night tonight. As soon as I got Collin to sleep, I headed out - leaving Shane to get Lydia to bed. 
And the main tree. So many memories hung on the branches. I love love love Christmas time.
I was a little nervous when asked to participate in a TLC Book tour since this isn't a book blog. However, I guess this could be the "Look Dad! I am doing something with my degree!" moment I have been waiting for. I studied literature in college. I did it mainly for the money :) 
Shane's company always has a fancy-smancy formal Christmas party. It is one of my year's highlights. Leave the kids at home and spend the evening eating an amazing dinner and dancing. Experiment with virgin drinks at the open bar. Gabbing it up with slightly inebriated adults. That is my idea of a great date night. I really wanted this to wear this little number. Minus the bow. Okay not really since it costs as much as my car. Still. I started planning my outfit in August. 
